you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
