maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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