well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
