Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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