I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Randomize
