Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
