My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
