good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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