I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
