I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
