I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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