Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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