You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
