Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
