The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
