Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
3 2 1 whiskey
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
