hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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