Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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