I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
