OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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