I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I am midnight drunk by noon
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
