ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Randomize
