Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
