She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
