If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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