if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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