we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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