This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
