Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
