Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
