I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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