Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
We smell like vodka and hangover
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