Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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