I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Damn victory sex feels great
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize