So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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