Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
