I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
