Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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