oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
