piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
