She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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