apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
