his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I deserve this hangover.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
