After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
