Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
