I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You left your phone here
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