I just pynch a tree in the face
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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