You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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