the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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