he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
