thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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