Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
