So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
