woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
