I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
