someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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