I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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